1st
LAW
Law of Gravity - sometimes referred to as the Law
of Spillage. (Einstein sadly overlooked this one during his gallop towards fame
and fortune. This happened because his mother never let him near the kitchen).
2nd
LAW
Law of Cause and Effect. In vivo it can be observed,
for example, when various items are cooked at either very high or very low temperatures.
There appears to be an inverse correlation between temperature settings and
the time it takes to cook something. Try it out for yourself by cooking chips
in hot oil on the stove using the ‘maximum incineration' setting. They
will be done extremely quickly and long before you return with the fire extinguisher.
On the other hand set your 24 hour stop watch and observe how long it takes
to hard boil an egg in cold water on the lowest hotplate setting. Fascinating.
3rd
LAW
Law of Relativity - or how a dish that may be scoffed
down in 5 minutes may take 90 minutes to prepare. It's truly amazing.
4th
LAW
Law of Space, time and emotion. Here we can observe
some interesting patterns. The less time you take to prepare for a dinner party
the less time you have to panic. The more effort a dish requires the more time
it takes to clean up afterwards. The more ingredients a dish has the more chaos
ensues in the kitchen. And recent research has shown that there is a inverse
correlation between the amount of bench space in one's kitchen and the time
one has to enjoy TV or other leisure pursuits.
5th
LAW
Natural Law of Existence.
If no one saw it happen then it didn’t happen (remember the tree falling
in the forest and no one seeing it.....). So - if your dog licked the dinner
plates clean and no one saw it then it did not happen. If you dropped the steaks
on the kitchen floor and your dinner guests did not see it, then it did not
happen. Definitely not.
6th
LAW
Law of Diverging Realities.
It can be observed when one repeatedly uses the same ingredients in exactly
the same way under the same conditions - but the results vary enormously. Tests
reveal that this happens mostly when important guests are expected for dinner
or you are cooking for your mother-in-law for the first time. Einstein grappled
with this quandary but modern science has used quantum cooking theory to explain
at least some of it. It appears to be 'quantum spin' related and is probably
linked to the speed (sp) and direction (d) of the way a mass is stirred in the
pot. If you add stress (s) to the equation you have the following formula: e
= (sp x d)/(mc² x s). Alcohol has also been found to have an influence
on the outcome, however a lot more research needs to be done by dr.siggi before
a definitive conclusion can be drawn and published for peer review.
7th
LAW
Law of Divine Interconnectedness
of all things. This is a difficult principle to explain to the lay person as
it requires some prior understanding of morphogenetic fields. Here it goes.
This law applies when the eggs and the sugar disappear into the cake as you
mix it and you can't find them anymore. It's about when the total (the cake)
becomes much more than the sum of its parts (eggs, flour and sugar) and looks
and smells very different too. It proves that even when the individual components
shape shift or 'disappear' altogether there remains an exquisite vibrational
connectedness among them which arranges itself into a new shape, is measurable,
can be cut into slices, filled with cream and tastes very nice too.
8th
LAW
Law of Chaos.
This law is mainly about the positive correlation between the number of ingredients
in a dish and the chaos that ensues in the kitchen. This peculiar fact is magnified
one hundredfold by the Law of Space, Time and Emotion and there appears to be
some sort of quantum dimensional overlap which could get out of control and
is of great concern to scientists. It is hoped that the Large Hadron Collider
in Switzerland will provide at least part of the answer and that things don't
become too chaotic before it's too late.